Firefly Lamp

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Firefly Lamp

‘Ye Ye, can I hold it? Please?’

How can I ever deny those large brown eyes that are mirrors of his mother’s.

‘It’s not a toy.’ It was the truth.

‘I know. I’m not a baby. I go to school!’

What good are schools when we’re struggling to even stay alive? My mood flickers, but his toothy smile teases me to do the same. Deep down, I know that he’s a good boy, but I also know that he is only just six.

I step aside and squat so we can see eye-to-eye and I hold his arm firmly. ‘Only if you promise not to touch the dials. This is important.’

He nods so vigorously that I worry his head might fall off. Silly old man, I scold myself. Sohm takes the firefly lamp from me. The movement disturbs a few of the insects. They fly around their little prison in an impossible attempt to escape.

‘Can I put it on?’

‘What did I say!’ I shout before I can control myself.

The crowd around us murmur in disapproval. Who are they to judge? They’re no better than me. No one is better, not even the managers.

Feeling bad, I turn to look at Sohm. His head drops, I can see his knuckles white from gripping the lamp. He straightens his posture and walks ahead with determination. I need to make peace or this night will get harder. ‘Sohm, no more games tonight, OK? We need to be careful, especially with the lamp. It’s precious.’

Why do children want to grow up so quickly? They have the rest of their lives to learn about responsibilities and carry this burden. Starting each life with a clean slate is the biggest flaw in being human, for we never learn.

We have been told to take a break from our walk, so I take Sohm’s hand and lead him off the conveyor. The crowd shuffles to fill the space that was us, as a shift manager comes and marks us. 20:31. She writes the numbers with chalk onto our shirts after she checks her wind-up watch. The chalk wipes off easily and we have to be careful with it. We get a break every two hours, and if our time isn’t visible, they just write a new one and we have to wait some more.

Sohm sits by the wall of the cave and carefully places the lamp beside him. He smiles, as he waits for me to unpack our snack. We have rat jerky and milk that I had managed to barter from a family of walkers earlier. They took my gloves in preparation for their move to the surface, something we won’t be doing for another thirty-one days. To be with the settlement, to stay put in one place for two whole weeks and not need to walk, and for Sohm to enjoy time with his school friends. It is always worth the cold.

While Sohm eats, I check on the firefly lamp and wipe the dust off the glass. I count the fireflies. Seven. All alive. This is a good lamp. Careful rationing of oxygen and powdered grub will keep them alive until we make it to the top. They’ll get us new shoes for Sohm. He never complains even though his feet are bundled as tight as rice balls. I make sure that the lamp is still set at ‘neutral’ before I put it down next to Sohm and take a piece of jerky.

‘All OK?’ he asks me.

If I wasn’t looking at him, I would have thought he was an adult. ‘Yes. This is tasty, eh?’

He nods and I’m glad that he looks content. If you don’t know any better, you’ll have nothing to be disappointed about. That’s why schools stopped teaching history.

We look towards the sound of children chattering, and we see a large family walking. The children are all holding paper lanterns of different shapes.

‘Ye Ye, what’s that?’ Sohm is pointing at one of the lanterns.

The parents of the children had heard Sohm’s voice and they come as close to us as they can while keeping on the conveyor. I smile, and noticing that they have the same village markings on their necks, I greet them. ‘Happy full moon, neighbours. I am Lee and this is my grandson Sohm.’

‘Ah, a fellow Hakk! Happy mid-autumn!’

He seems a cheery fellow.

‘My wife and I are both Min, and these are our children.’

‘Min. Min.’ I nod at each of them.

Min the husband looks at Sohm and tells him that the lantern he was asking about earlier is in the shape of a fish, and that it was an animal that used to live under water.

‘Fish. Fish. Fish.’ Sohm tries the word on his tongue a few times before Min and Min are too far ahead on the conveyor.

‘Hope to see you all again sometime,’ I say after them as they wave back enthusiastically.

‘Ye Ye, have you seen a fish? Why did that girl have a paper fish?’

I don’t want you to know better, little Sohm. I want you to live a life unknowing so you may enjoy what little we have.

‘Yes, Sohm. Ye Ye’s seen a fish before. A long long time ago.’

‘Where?’

‘We used to keep glass cases filled with water where fish could live in.’

A different shift manager comes and tells us that our break is over before Sohm can ask any more questions. I pick up the backpack and feel relieved that Sohm is old enough to carry the lamp.

We stand by the conveyor and wait as a couple is given their break, and we take their place.

‘Ye Ye,’ Sohm calls to me when we have settled into a rhythm again.

‘Yes?’

‘Please tell me more about fish. About paper fish too.’

I’ve said too much, but I can’t stop myself.

‘There were different kinds of fishes. Big ones, small ones, pretty ones, and even ugly ones.’

‘What did you do with fish?’

‘In my time, we would eat them. When my Ye Ye was alive, some people would keep fish for fun.’

We are getting deeper in the tunnel and I cannot read Sohm’s face, but I feel his little hand reach for mine. There is a metallic tang in the air, which is getting heavier as we get deeper.

‘What did it taste like?’

I keep quiet as I try and recall. It was a long time ago.

‘Like snake,’ I say after a while.

‘Was it like this lamp?’ Sohm holds up the firefly lamp, the fireflies are just blinking dots in the darkness.

I accidentally kick the person in front of me. The darkness is disorienting.

“Watch your step, old man!”

I can feel his anger, which scares me. I reach out to move Sohm behind me.

“Concentrate on the walking. That’s what happens when you talk too much. You could’ve broken my leg,” he continues barking.

A shift manager with a torch comes up to us and tells the man to calm down and move on ahead. She then tells us to put on our lamp.

I squat to take the lamp from Sohm and I look at his face to check that he is OK. He is calm, and looks proud, knowing that with the lamp, we will now be leading a group. I turn the lamp setting up two notches towards ‘active’. The lamp pumps a bit more oxygen and hormones into the main canister, encouraging the fireflies to increase their activities. In the gentle green glow, I can see our feet again and our hands in front of us.

The shift manager ushers us on our way and tells the group behind us to follow us, as we find a new pace.

‘So, was it like this lamp?’

‘What do you mean, Sohm?’

‘You said that fish was kept in a glass case with water. Is it like this lamp? It’s a glass case with air!’

The boy is full of surprises and I dread for the moment when I cannot keep up.

‘Yes, it’s just like that.’

Sohm is quiet for a little while before he says, ‘We keep fireflies because they help us see in the dark.’

‘Yes.’

‘We keep fish because we eat it?’

‘Yes, that is right, but there are no more fishes now.’

‘OK.’

I’m quietly hoping that Sohm will stop asking questions so that we may conserve our energy for the long night. I cannot remember where the next rest station is, but he pipes up again.

‘Why was the fish made of paper?’

I smile to the emptiness ahead, recalling the paper lanterns. There was a ball, a traditional hexagon, a rat, a fish…

‘Ye Ye?’

‘Sorry, Sohm. I was miles away.’

‘Don’t be silly, you were right here.’ He giggles at his own grown-up joke.

‘It was a paper lantern. The children were all carrying paper lanterns.’

‘A lantern is like a lamp, right?’

‘That’s right.’

‘A paper lantern is a lamp made of paper?’

‘Right again.’

‘But a lamp needs a light. It didn’t have a light.’

‘Who’s wearing his smarty-pants today?’

‘So they’re not lanterns.’

‘They’re paper lanterns.’

‘But they don’t have light.’

I sigh inwardly. ‘When I was a little boy, on this day of the year, we would celebrate the mid-autumn festival. It’s the day when the moon is the biggest. We would carry paper lanterns lit with candles and—’

‘The moon is always the same size, Ye Ye. You’re silly.’

I chuckle. ‘You’re right, it is. When we lived on Earth and we looked at the moon in the sky, it would change in size and shape depending on where it was positioned.’

‘On Earth! Of course.’ Sohm pretended to be exasperated. I think I hear his eyes roll.

‘You know about Earth and moon?’

‘Yes, silly. We learn it in school.’

I can tell from the changes in the echoes that we have reached a large room. A shift manager runs up to us and asks for our whole group to take a break. There are benches along the walls and rations of nutrition tablets.

‘Long break,’ the manager tells us. We get to sleep.

00:19. It’s been nearly four hours. Time flies when you’re distracted. I’m glad that I have Sohm, but he won’t always have me.

The shift manager spots the time on our jackets. ‘Sorry you didn’t break earlier. There wasn’t space on the tracks before.’

I nod at him and let Sohm lead us to a bench. He picked a quiet one in the corner.

We both settle onto the bench. I give Sohm a tablet and watch him swallow it down with our ration of water before I do the same. Then, with the backpack as my pillow, and a light blanket over our bodies, I coax Sohm to rest.

I switch the lamp back to neutral and the glow of green from the fireflies start to mellow. We listen to the echoes of whispers as children get hushed and adults start to snore.

‘Ye Ye?’

‘We should rest, Sohm.’

‘I know, Ye Ye. Just five minutes?’

‘OK. What is it?’

‘What is candle?’

‘It’s a small stick that can hold a small fire for a while. We put it in the paper lantern and the lantern glows, like our firefly lamp.’

‘A fire,’ Sohm whispers — the word sounding more like a gust of wind.

I jerk awake, unsure if I was even asleep.

‘Is it the biggest moon day today?’

‘Uhm… yes. It’s mid-autumn festival today.’

‘Do you think Ma Ma and Pa Pa are looking at the moon?’

‘I… I don’t know, Sohm.’ But I do. ‘I hope so. If they are, they’ll be looking at us.’ They’re not and they will never be.

I hear Sohm smile, the saliva between his cheeks and gums squeaking.

I lean over to kiss him and say, ‘Good night’.

He is quiet, before he says, ‘Ye Ye?’

I smile, but my mouth is too dry to make any sounds.

‘Is the moon like our lamp?’

I can’t guess where this conversation will go. ‘What do you mean?’

‘The lamp is a case for fireflies. There is a glass case for fish. So, is the moon a case for us? Is it like our lamp?’

‘I guess you could say that.’ I pull Sohm closer and hug him.

‘Who keeps the moon?’

‘No one does. The moon is too big for one person.’

‘But the moon must belong to someone.’

‘The moon doesn’t belong to anyone.’

‘It must, Ye Ye, because who keeps the moon is keeping us. Fireflies make light, so we keep them. We walk on the moon to make energy, so someone keeps us.’

I can’t reply. I don’t know what to say anymore. ‘You might be right, Sohm, but I don’t know who it might be.’

We lie in silence, but I’m unable to doze off. Wide awake, I try and catch someone else’s conversation, but I hear sobs instead.

‘I don’t like it, Ye Ye.’

‘Close your eyes and rest, my little Sohm.’ I hold him tight and pray that he doesn’t hear my real thoughts.

‘If we don’t walk and don’t make energy, will we become like fish?’

‘There are no more fishes now.’

‘Will they eat us?’

‘No.’ Yes. ‘No one will eat us. No one will harm us.’ We’ll just be made into nutrition tablets. ‘It’s all going to be OK, don’t you worry your little head.’

‘I don’t like it.’

‘Nothing is going to happen. We’ll be fine as long as we have each other.’

‘Promise?’

‘Yes.’ It’s better if you don’t know any better. ‘Now stop being a smarty-pants and go to sleep.’

‘OK. Good night, Ye Ye. I love you.’

‘I love you too.’

As the last of the fireflies quiet down into the darkness, I take the lamp and hug it between Sohm and I, keeping it safe for another day.