To bully or not to bully
I was a bully. As a kid, I reasoned to myself that there are two camps of people: bullies and victims. For survival purposes, I chose to be a bully.
I didn’t steal lunch money or torture other kids, or anything like that. However, I placed myself in a position of authority (I was class monitor/assistant for all 11 years of my school life) and I exercised that power. This all sounds serious and dramatic when reality was a lot more playful and experimental (we were kids, for god’s sake). But, thinking back, I’m not sure I agreed with the systems and education that put me in that position. Or that we only have two choice: to bully or be bullied.
In this case, power is taught as synonymous to bullying—wtf?!
A spectrum of bullies
From Act Against Bullying’s website, they highlight four types of bullying: cyberstalking, cyberbullying, sexual bullying, and bullying by exclusion. Most of us would have some idea of what each of these types of bullying would entail.
Though this list isn’t exhaustive, it already shows how wide a spectrum bullying can be. To be honest, I think we all do a bit of bullying now and again, and more often than not, we won’t even realise that we’re actually hurting others.
Persistent teasing, for example, is a type of bullying that I’m very uncomfortable with. It’s also commonly seen as an endearing action. We all have good friends and family members who tease endearingly, not realising the impact of their action. It is a form of exclusion—picking someone out and making fun of them, endearingly or not.
I was petite as a kid and not very athletic, so I used my words to bully. I mastered the art of sarcasm from a young age and took to (East Asian?) passive-aggressiveness like fish to water. I don’t think I do it anymore (or at least, not often and definitely not consciously!) but all of that has left a bad taste. I don’t regret any of it, as it built my confidence and gave me space to become who I am today. However, I do think about others who might have felt victimised by my actions.
What do you do with bullies?
Bullies usually use bullying to hide a weakness. It’s an easy way to be empowered, and if successful, it can become habitual, reactionary. Fighting fire with fire, as we know doesn’t always help, and in this case, bullies don’t recognise bullying… that’s why they do it, so they’ll probably perceive being bullied as a threat or call to arms.
I was brought up to hit someone back if I got hit—an eye for an eye. It’s a good attitude to have, BUT (this is a REALLY BIG BUT), it’s only ever good if you’re sure you’re going to win. And the hard truth is, no one ever wins in a physical fight.
Treat a bully with compassion.
Like everyone else, they need time to come to awareness, learn about themselves, understand how they’re hurting others (and themselves), etc etc etc… but as the famous saying goes, ‘ain’t nobody got time for it’. If we do this with every bully we encounter, we might as well become a councilor or therapist.
Can we still be compassionate without becoming their best friends?
Yes. Bringing awareness to the issue (to themselves—if it’s safe to do so—or others who are able to engage with them constructively) is being compassionate. It can be done kindly and gently, and most importantly, without spite. Then, walk away. Do not provoke them any further. Walking away will at least mean that they have one less bullying issue, even if it is for the time being.
Culminate a better community
Perhaps the more important thing to do is to determine how, as a community, we are responsible for bullies. Are they a product of our community? Are we encouraging the behaviour in some ways? Is it a consequence of a deeper systemic issue? How are these addressed in the various layers of our communities?
I would have loved to NOT have been a bully. It was a waste of time and not a great way to build friendships and relationships. It has also developed some problematic habits that followed me into adulthood. Looking back now at the communities that I was in, it feels inevitable that the role of a bully was so accessible.
We are in a good place today to show the younger generation that there are other options than to bully or be bullied, that exercising power can be positive, and looking out for the victims (and not creating more victims) can be fulfilling.
And so we shall.
This article is the product of a wonderful experiment in ideas exchange with Dr. Amy Matthewson.